All the World's a Stage

mereplayer @ 2005-01-02T15:09:00

2005-01-02T21:10:37Z

Hey guys... remember Mizzou? (points to new icon for Jessie)

mereplayer @ 2004-12-27T17:25:00

2004-12-27T23:26:18Z

Last night, I fell in love with The Phantom of the Opera. Go see it. It's amazing!

AND! Laramie Project... but that's an ongoing love...

mereplayer @ 2004-12-25T20:38:00

2004-12-26T02:40:00Z

Christmas is FINALLY almost over. But not yet. Not until I get to see you... and that's in a few very short minutes.

Merry Christmas (again) to everyone!

mereplayer @ 2004-12-25T10:30:00

2004-12-25T16:30:57Z

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

mereplayer @ 2004-12-23T17:25:00

2004-12-23T23:33:13Z

Calling the Name
by: Mary Kim Schreck

Our name...
most intimate and precious -
our first and final possession.

Born with nothing but possiblity
and a name.
Our parents give us life
and name us.

And we are called...
to the dinner table, in class,
to the phone, on the playground,
at graduation, at ceremonies,
at our marriage, over the intercom...

Lastly,
at our death
or so the Elk's Last Ritual goes...
twice one's name is called...
and we
(who have come to show our respects)
know -
this time there is no answer.

Poignant moment of clarity this -
no one will ever answer
the call again -
to that name.

And we think of the many names
we have answered to through the years -
sweet childhood nicknames, family versions,
sister, Mommy, Madam, Mrs., honey, grandma -
many are called, many are called...

And how will it be when my name
is called and...
I can no longer answer?
am no longer attached to my name
but have slipped away
from everything...

Even my name -
even my name.

mereplayer @ 2004-12-08T12:18:00

2004-12-08T18:21:09Z

Lately, I have been overwhelmed with fatigue. I have no energy for anything but one person. If it weren't for him right now, I'm not sure I would keep going. He's my drive, my inspiration. I've never been SO completely thankful for someone before, until now. Everything about him is... perfect. I love it. I love him. I just want to open the window and shout it so everyone can hear. Have you ever felt like that?

StuCo hour is almost over... 'tis sad. On to Government to learn about the amendments... great fun.

mereplayer @ 2004-11-27T17:18:00

2004-11-27T23:22:09Z

Haven't updated in a while...

Last night was... in all honesty, pretty crappy. My whole mindset, though, was the only one to blame. I seriously need to re-evalute a lot in my life. I say that so much, but this time I need to actually take the time to do so. I noticed that I have been "disconnecting" myself from practically everyone. There's only one person that knows how I really feel, and I only want one person to know. ANd I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, but it will be... when I have to leave. I just don't want to deal with anything anymore...

The end.

mereplayer @ 2004-11-17T21:49:00

2004-11-18T03:52:00Z

This is all I have left to say to anyone...

If you are unhappy with our relationship, I'm sorry. Don't hang out with us then, because I'm not willing to give it up. And if you do have a problem, don't act like you're okay with it to our face and bad mouth us behind our backs... because the fact of the matter is that high school students can't keep their mouths shut and it'll end up getting back to us if it hasn't already.

I'm not dealing with it anymore, so whatever.

mereplayer @ 2004-11-12T15:54:00

2004-11-12T21:57:45Z

I wrote a sonnet today and it only took me an hour and a half... please offer some feed back. I only feel "eh" about it, but still... I kind of like it. Just don't be TOO mean please... remember it took me more than an hour to work on this. :) Thanks!

For those who don't know... Sonnet's need rhyme scheme ababcdcdefefgg and must contain iambic pentameter. So make sure I did that.

A gaze into your eyes is what I long,
For bad day's curse consumes my every thought.
I know that you make rights from all the wrong.
And in your eyes I find what I have sought:
A green with sparkle bright did soothe my soul,
A glimpse, I know, would wash away my pain.
For in your eyes I see a future whole,
in mine you see emotion that I feign.
How you see through me like a piece of glass,
you see when I'm upset and lost in rage
and with a simple look, the feelings pass
as though they were a bird released from cage.
In you I've found the truth within my heart,
your eyes say we shall never be apart.

mereplayer @ 2004-10-24T12:29:00

2004-10-24T19:33:35Z

So far today has been pretty crappy. But I don't want to whine about it on here because like me, you probably don't care...

I no longer see the point of livejournal. It seems like it's just a place to post what happened to you today and then have your "friends" (and I do mean to put that in quotation marks) reply with the cliche 'I'm always here for you' or 'I love you'. I'm getting pretty tired of it.

I don't know if my whole mindset has changed or what, but once again, everything's changing. I value new friendships. I can't stand old ones.

And here I sit, complaining about life just like I said I wouldn't... how hypocritical of me.

mereplayer @ 2004-10-18T16:30:00

2004-10-18T21:37:05Z

How do you worry about someone's happiness when they don't give a shit about yours?

At least, that's what it seems like.

For once, I'm genuinely angry... and that's all I have to say.

mereplayer @ 2004-09-30T21:35:00

2004-10-01T02:44:00Z

Now that the computer's finally set up with internet, I'm happy!

Moving was fine.

Since I have developed a phobia of letting my true feelings show, I won't go into it too much. Just that people aren't who I thought they were. Which in some cases is a good thing. Still, I'm sick of dealing with... with everything. So, what a way to come back to LiveJournal: bitching.

Back to that newly developed phobia... I don't know where it came from. I guess it's a trust issue... I've spent the last few days attempting to psycho analyze myself, and have gotten no where. It's futile (thanks Sara L. Reily) Everyone has a story to tell. Some people tell it, others don't. But when you don't vent, it all has to come out somehow...

The thing is... I've watched myself tell people my story. Then I've watched those people use it against me. I've learned my lesson. Either that, or now I have trust issues. Take your pick. Either way, it's not cool and it needs to be fixed. But how?

On a lighter note, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MS. CASSIE! Now you can buy all kinds of cool stuff. 18 WOOT! Remember the frapp! :)

mereplayer @ 2004-09-22T21:29:00

2004-09-23T02:40:41Z

"I stare into his eyes and get scared. He stares back and I know he sees all my deep secrets. I worry because do I want these secrets known? His touch is the first since that awful night. When he touches me, I tense up yet I feel so comfortable. I yearn for that touch and still I flinch. Why cant I get over this? Why does it still affect me? I sit and wonder all these things. But still, I am happy because he is one of the greatest things in my life. I have overcome many things because of him and I want to thank him every second for it."

I don't understand... and it worries me.

It finally feels like we're moving. We can get into the condo tomorrow, so we've got a truck packed up, ready to go. I was really excited, but I'm not anymore. It's going to take me 15 minutes to get to school, instead of 5. It's going to take 25 minutes to get to work. That's almost 1/2 an hour... but I'll live. It could be a lot worse. I should be thankful. So I am. Yay for condos! And condoms, but that's a whole other story.

Every time I see him, I want to give in... I want to go for it... and it's ridiculous. Because I know why I want to be with him. At least, I think I know. Ah, screw it... there's no use in trying to figure it out now.

mereplayer @ 2004-09-21T19:57:00

2004-09-22T01:05:01Z

People have different priorities. I have mine; you have yours. But when you think my priority list should be organized a little better, I get a little upset.

I can make my own decisions. I understand that you value somethings at a different level of importance than I may value it. But here's the thing... I make decisions based on me. If I can't handle something at the moment, I know it. So, if possible, I avoid placing myself in that situation.

Now I'm sorry... and I understand that I'm being selfish, but I've been on edge. And I needed today. And if you can't understand that, I don't know what else to say besides sorry.

Now there are so many ways of taking this... you can a) tell me I took on too much, b) say that I'm a terrible leader/member. I just hope that you won't resort to that... but that's YOUR opinion.

Damn, I'm trying... really hard. And it's really frustrating to have people look at me and tell me that I'm not holding up my end of the deal... This year I'm doing so much "behind the scenes" work, at least I feel like I am. And when I get looks of disgust because I didn't make it to a meeting, or I chose to go somewhere else... I can't handle THAT.

I just woke up from a 3 1/2 hour nap. I thought it'd make me feel better. Physically, it did. I'm just going to go back to sleep.

mereplayer @ 2004-09-20T22:35:00

2004-09-21T03:39:36Z

Do you know what I find humorous?

When people become a "good friend" by "knowing" you... when really they just read your livejournal.

So let's just attempt to maintain the friendship we have left until we go our separate ways to college, okay?

My mind's so flustered right now, I don't know which way is up and which way is down. But I do know who I respect and who I don't respect. And yet I will never have the courage to confront a soul.

And now who do I trust? Who can I confide in? Just when I think I've found it,I was sadly mistaken. I know there are people out there, but you can't confide in someone that you don't want to... for so many reasons.

And allergies suck.

mereplayer @ 2004-09-19T21:35:00

2004-09-20T02:40:15Z

Nobody is happy anymore.
Everyone's walking around, alone.
We all have stories to tell.
We all ache to cry on a shoulder,
yet there is no shoulder to cry on.

A game of "musical friends" has twisted this year up.
And half of us have been eliminated from the game...
no one to lean on.
Why can't we go to each other?
Why are we afraid?
Where has trust gone?

We all need a big hug. We all need someone. We all need...

And then there are the people who have someone to talk to, someone to go to, someone to lean on. And I'm sick of seeing you be there for him/her and not be there for me... and everyone else feels the same way.

You can see it in the halls. You can see it in their eyes.

I'm just as guilty. And that kills me. I'm sorry if I've ever hurt any of you. I am.

mereplayer @ 2004-09-19T01:27:00

2004-09-19T06:35:13Z

It's late and I'm tired.

Yet here I sit. Thinking. Pondering.

Perfection. The impossible achievement. But we all strive for it. We attempt to make the world picture perfect. Life is not mirrored in movies or storybooks. We don't always go to bed happily ever after. But why?

Why is the world so crabby? And why do we try to fix it? I mean, it seems like an endless cycle: Alice wanted to make the world better. She attempted a few things, but since perfection is an imposibility, she got frustrated and crabby. And Ben noticed her frustration, and tried to fix it... and couldn't, and got frustrated. And so on. It seems so pointless and futile.

So I don't know Ben and Alice, but if I did, I know that they'd never be happy. And that's just like us.

We live in a imperfect world. We need to accept that "happily ever after" is in NEVER ever land.

It's odd how quickly your emotions change...

I just want to curl up in your arms and fall asleep next to you... if you only knew.

mereplayer @ 2004-09-19T00:27:00

2004-09-19T05:30:23Z

This song fits so many different aspects of my life, I felt the need to post the lyrics... I couldn't have said it better myself, Ryan.

"Illusions"

Middle of the night and it's getting so hard to breathe.
You can't sleep, can't think, can't hardly dream.
Do you fear what the world wants you to be?

Open your eyes and just see what the world is,
Open your mind and you're free.

There's more in this world than we see,
Just leave these illusions behind and run with me.
If all of the things that you thought you would be,
Pass you by.
We'll find what we need in our lives.
We'll find what we need in our lives.

I spent a lifetime hoping it would come to me.
Getting lost in the lies I believed.
We're covered by a mask that we think is our sin,
But we never realized that the truth is within.

And what are you hiding from?
Is it safe there inside your walls?
'Cause your chance is bound to come,
If you're strong enough to live at all.

We'll find what we need in our lives.

Open your eyes and just see what the world is,
Open your mind and you're free.

Today was a lot of fun. At least, I had a lot of fun. I don't know if everyone else did. There's something so intimate about late-night park visits. I love it. Absolutely and completely love it.

mereplayer @ 2004-09-16T22:15:00

2004-09-17T03:19:46Z

How can you tell if your emotions are real, or if you are just going after what's there given the circumstance? Wait it out? Well... that's what I'm doing. So we'll see how it works...

Tonight was so much fun with Whitney. I heart that girl.

The video meeting was kind of frustrating to me. I don't like the fact that I can't stand a person for NO reason. Well, I guess it's jealousy, which makes it even worse. I, in no way, want to be like him... but the fact that he... grr. Enough said.

I'm worn out. Tomorrow shall be fun. I think. I hope.

I'm a little disappointed though. My horoscope said that I would meet the love of my life today, and I'm not so sure I did. Or maybe he's sitting right under my nose and I don't even realize.

Or maybe horoscopes are stupid anyway. Haha.

Thus concluding pointless entry #4907232

mereplayer @ 2004-09-15T22:24:00

2004-09-16T03:34:07Z

I absolutely love storms. The thunder and the rain beating against the roof...

My horoscope (not that I believe in them) said that I was going to find love tomorrow. Woot for that!

I miss everyone. I mean, I see them everyday, but it's not like it used to be. It's not like the times when I could run up to them and tell them about this or that. It's not like they can tell me their "secrets" anymore. It's really weird...

I got my acceptance letter from Truman today. So now I know for sure that I can go to CMSU or Truman. Now let's play the money game...

Everytime I talk about college, one person says Truman, the other says CMSU. One person absolutely hates Truman, while the other hates CMSU. Like I told Whitney in speech, you have to go where YOU feel comfortable, where YOU want to go. Yet, I continually allow what others say influence me.

The story we read in Creative Writing today was so freaking weird... at first, when I finished reading it, I was just weirded out. But the more I contemplated it, the more I liked it. It's hard to explain. Maybe it's just my mood. I feel like it should be used for SOMETHING somehow. Call me crazy, but I have this strong feeling (you know the type) to do something creative with it...

mereplayer @ 2004-09-14T21:42:00

2004-09-15T02:53:11Z

I've worked so hard on this story, and for what? I knew when I chose it that it'd have to be absolutely PERFECT to get my point across. It's so frustrating to me. And yet I feel compelled to post it?

Seventeen years ago, my mother was taken from me. One wrong decision led to her death. A head-on collision.
Ever since I was a little boy, I looked at pictures of my mother. She was blonde and very beautiful. Her green eyes looked so peaceful, her smile was heart-warming. Every blonde that would whisk past me in the supermarket would grab my attention. I desperately searched for that maternal being that I lost at the tender age of six months.
Also in many of the pictures was a family friend Butch. He was an amazing friend to me. He took me to the zoo, he was at my birthday parties. He was always there. Until the day that Jeannie, the woman who adopted me, told me what had happened.
I walked into the house and realized something was very wrong about the way it felt. I walked through the kitchen and saw that Jeannie had not yet finished eating her cereal. The phone was sitting next to her bowl. Most likely it had been left there from the phone call she received earlier that day. I exited the kitchen and began inching my
way towards Jeannie’s room.
When I got to her half closed door, I placed my hand on the doorknob and pushed it open. Jeannie’s swollen eyes and wet face looked up at me. She ushered me into the living room where I climbed onto her lap. Butch had been killed in a drunk driving accident.
We sat there in silence, partly from shock, mostly from grief. After the facts sunk into my seven year-old brain, I broke down. Tears streamed down my face. We sat there and cried for an hour. The last memory I have of him is my seventh birthday party. I was playing on the jungle-gym when I looked up and saw his smiling face. I jumped off of the monkey-bars and sprinted to greet him with the biggest hug. He then extended a gift, wrapped in red paper, my favorite color. He knew. I quickly opened the box and discovered a teddy bear. I still had the teddy bear, and it was the only thing left to remind me of Butch.
Years later, Jeannie and I discussed my family's history. Initiated by my curiosity about my biological mother, the conversation lasted for hours. Questions that I never wanted answers to were answered. The life my mother lived before my birth was not
easy.
Her step-father abused my mother. Verbally. Physically. Sexually. No one believed her. She told her mom. She told her teacher. No one would speak up for the poor fifteen year-old girl. She finally told her Aunt Jeannie. That's when her life took a
turn for the worse. At the age of fifteen, she moved in with Jeannie. She feared for her life. She dealt with the threats that her step-father had made and the recurring nightmares that forced her to relive those painful memories as if it were all happening for a second time. But worst of all, she dealt with being alone in the world. With no one to truly believe that she was raped.
Matters only became more complicated. She later found out that she was carrying her step-father’s child. She wept for days. And yet, the tears washed none of her worries away. She couldn't deal with having a baby who was conceived through such a heart-wrenching recollection. Every time she would look at that child, the memories would came flooding back. She would remember that night. She would remember that feeling. She would remember that horrible man. She would remember everything she was trying to forget. After days of contemplation and countless inner battles with herself,
she decided to make an appointment with the doctor. She thought abortion was her only way out.
Guilt consumed her as the nightmares haunted her. Had she actually just murdered her own child? But the downward spiral was just beginning. Renee became a drug addict and an alcoholic. Her life was turned upside-down as all of her attention shifted to acquiring illegal substances. It engulfed every aspect of her life.
Then she met Jonathan. He offered her comfort and security, feelings that she hadn’t known for months. She gave herself to him, and a one-night stand led to a pregnancy. This time, she couldn't handle the guilt that came along with the abortion. Her decision to keep the baby, to keep me, was final. Her mind was made up. And
Jeannie was there for her again, to help Renee stay off drugs. To help Renee stay away from drinking. And she did for nine straight months. And then I was born. Six pounds, eleven ounces, twenty-one inches long, and as healthy as could be.
But the stress that was put upon my mother was unbearable. She had not realized all of the responsibilities that go along with a newborn baby. She turned to drugs and alcohol once again for comfort.
One night she went drinking after a very long day at work. She then got into her car intoxicated. The wrong side of the highway. Head-on collision with a Budweiser truck. Irony at its worst.
When Jeannie finished telling me the whole story, we were both crying. The only other time I cried that hard was the day of Butch’s death. As if she had read my mind, Jeannie spoke up with an unexpected comment.
"Christopher," she said, "I strongly believe that Butch was your father. Mom Renee says it wasn't, but you looked so much like him. It's hard not to believe."
I knew my mother was dead. I just thought that I still had a father out there somewhere who I could find at a later point in my life. Now, that was taken away from me in an instant. I retreated to my room so that I could regain my composure. I shut the door, leaned against it, and breathed a sigh of relief. Just then, I glanced toward my window seat. There is sat, the teddy bear that Butch had given me so many years ago. I quickly shoveled it up into my arms and hugged it as if it were Butch himself. My mind raced to grasp the fact that this bear was all that I had left of my biological father. And I sat there dumb-founded, speechless, heartbroken.

mereplayer @ 2004-09-14T21:13:00

2004-09-15T02:21:11Z

Today was amazing. I don't know why. There's no reason, but I feel so good about everything.

I've missed that nervous feeling you get about crushes. You know, when you see him and you can't stop smiling? Or when you walk completely out of your way to your next class just to pass him in the hall? Or the best... when you're sitting next to him, and your leg touches his, and neither of you move it. And you sit there and wonder if he realizes that the two of you are touching... There's something so motivating about that feeling. Call me crazy if you will, but whatever.

I got to catch up with Brandice today. She was waiting outside by my car after Arsenic and Old Lace rehearsal. I really missed her. We're going to hang out more, or so we say. Hopefully we will. She's good people.

And Cassie and I had an amazing time at the mall/McAlister's. She's splendid, and I really needed a Chris/Cassie talk. So all's well in the life of Chris today. How was YOUR day?

PS - How sad is it that I've been drowning myself in the songs of Clay Aiken, Ryan Cabrera, Josh Kelly, and Jason Mraz? Hey, they're ear-gasmic! (thanks, Cassinator)

mereplayer @ 2004-09-13T21:41:00

2004-09-14T02:45:40Z

I've been incredibly selfish today. Emotions took over for NO reason at all. I need to learn how to control those pesky feelings of mine.

Speaking of feelings, boys... I don't even know what to say about them. Perhaps it's the fact that it has been brought to my attention that I have been with anyone since January. Eh... nah. I don't really care. I just want things to work out, and that's asking for entirely too much. I'll just be happy with what I've got.

For now.

I just need to get some sleep.

mereplayer @ 2004-09-12T21:46:00

2004-09-13T02:47:43Z

If LJ Was a High School by Karen_Walker
Username
Principal	lizyd
Lunch Lady	topofmylungs
Head Cheerleader	hahayourestupid
Quarterback	_meanreds
Prom Queen	_ubiquitous_
Gang Member	_jabberjaw
Band Geek	air_thruster
Theatre Geek	_tessie_
Chess Club Captain	badcountrysong
Loner Goth Kid	ravikahiosity
Class Clown	__exploit_me

Quiz created with MemeGen!

That seems just about right, actually. Weird.

mereplayer @ 2004-09-09T21:57:00

2004-09-10T03:05:16Z

Believe it or not, there's something about my job that relaxes me. The past two days I have been in the WORST moods walking into work. But both nights I practically skipped out the door, happy as can be. I don't know what it is about McAlister's that makes me feel 100% better, but it does. I LOVE IT!!!!

I keep re-playing the story in my mind. Even though I really had no part in it, I feel like the comment was aimed at "us"... and to be quite frank, it pisses me off. I've tried forgetting about it, but there's something about the fact that I'm no longer considered a friend... it's bullshit, I know. I'm over re-acting about it, I know.

And stop fucking turning everything around! It's not about you. Get over it.

Man, I really need some REAL Starbucks. Anyone up for meeting there at 6:45-ish on Saturday before GSL Workshop?